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Give Him the Pen

There’s nothing comparable to losing a spouse. I’ve lost a father, and a sister, and although they were and continue to be great losses in my life, they do not compare to losing my husband. When you lose a spouse, you lose your plans, your dreams, your future.

You also lose your link to so much of your past. Greg and I were together 43 years. So many memories were shared memories, which worked out well because we were getting to the point in life where we needed both of us to remember them.

I found myself in survival mode in the present, which in all honestly, wasn’t somewhere I wanted to be. It was painful. I longed to turn back time to when things were good, or speed it up to a time when there would be some distance between me and the loss. But neither were options.

At 59, I know I’m not super old, but I’m also not young. The task of finding new dreams and plans seemed daunting and honestly just wasn’t something I want to do. I loved the old plans and dreams. I wanted them back.

So many things that I’ve said and believed all my life had to be proven in the past 8 months. So many things had to be worked out between me and God. One of those things was giving Him the pen to write the final chapters of my life. I wanted to erase this horrible last chapter and continue writing from last summer, changing how so many of the events played out, but I had to accept that this was His story for me. In one long, quiet night, alone in my bed, He convinced me that there was more to the story.

It shouldn’t have taken so much convincing, because I’ve believed all of my life that He orders my steps and has a plan for my life. It just becomes so much harder when your life takes such an unexpected turn down a road you never wanted to travel. In these darkest days of my life, He has proven Himself so incredibly faithful that I couldn’t possibly properly communicate it to you. This I know, I can trust Him with my future.

God is my Alpha, my beginning. He’s been writing my story since before I was born. I wouldn’t even be here had He not chosen to create me.

Oh yes, you shaped me first inside, then out;

you formed me in my mother’s womb.

I thank you, High God—you’re breathtaking!

Body and soul, I am marvelously made!

I worship in adoration—what a creation!

You know me inside and out,

you know every bone in my body;

You know exactly how I was made, bit by bit,

how I was sculpted from nothing into something.

Like an open book, you watched me grow from conception to birth;

all the stages of my life were spread out before you,

The days of my life all prepared

before I’d even lived one day. Ecclesiastes 139: 13-16 (MSG)

God is also my Omega, my ending.

I am Alpha and Omega, the beginning and the ending, saith the Lord, which is, and which was, and which is to come, the Almighty. Rev. 1-8 (KJV)

For as long as I live, He’ll continue to write my story if I let Him. And I’m going to let Him. The book of my life is open to a blank page. I have given Him permission to finish my story however He sees fit. I pray daily for the wisdom, strength, courage, and sensitivity to Him to walk out His story for me.

Who’s holding your pen? I’ll be honest, I thought God was always holding my pen. But I’ve realized that there were times in the past when He was prompting a storyline that I refused. Maybe it was fear of man, fear of change, or fear of not being enough that stopped me. Maybe I just wanted a different story. Whatever the reason, I did a lot of my own writing. I had a right to, right? It was my life. Ugh. Such stupid words.

The story God will write for us if we let Him is so much grander than we could ever imagine. It's so much bigger than anything we can write for ourselves. He has made us all so unique and has an equally unique story for our lives, a story He created us for.

It's never too late. If you’re reading this, your story is not over. It doesn’t matter what your story is now, He can write a happy ending. Give Him the pen. He's more than able.

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